New Breed to Attack Colorado Trail

Denver, CO – In a striking news event now unfolding in the Denver area, a “new breed” of ultrarunner has announced plans to take on the Colorado Trail in its entirety. The gruesome monster has been sighted numerous times along the front range scavenging for supplies and gear for its trek across the state.

Matt Hart, a longtime Montrail runner and former human being, reportedly took last year off to recover from a neuroma in his foot. However, inside sources have reported that he was undergoing some highly questionable scientific experiments in the backwoods of Washington, which would explain his recent transformation into an entirely new breed of runner. When not eating chunks of raw flesh or hacking locks of scraggly brown hair off his head with a machete, this new breed can be seen running confidently across mountain passes in a pair of dirty Rockridges.

The hideous beast’s latest endeavor on the Colorado Trail was declared just last night to the world via a tweet on its online coaching service coachingendurance.com. Suspicion of its intentions is rife amongst the online community as it says it isn’t focused on the record so much as the “experience” or the “challenge.” The terrifying behemoth also mentioned that since it will be consuming close to 15,000 calories per day it would need to take full advantage of a crew and even of hikers on the trail. Analysts say this could mean it is looking forward to the experience and challenge of eating nothing while on the trail except for hikers and its crewmembers.

Scientists are unsure what this new breed of runner could mean for the outdoors community at large. Details on its physiology and eating habits are sparse, as most people searching for information have disappeared for long periods of time and turned up in exotic places several months later with no recent memory. However, the bottle wielding fiend’s ability to move fast cannot be questioned, since this year only it has taken third place in the Orcas Island 50k, set the speed record on the Zion Traverse and run under ten hours in the San Juan Solstice 50 mile race, all with only minimal spectator casualties. As this article goes to press, word has reached us that the National Guard has been deployed to several points along the trail to prevent the sickening ogre from committing its normal quota of atrocities, like going so fast along the trail that it could be finished in just over a week.

Tagged as: Colorado Trail